7.10.05

they've cremated jo... she's scattered.. do i feel more at peace? it haunts me.. it nags me.. i cant even close my eyes now.. i cant even power nap. i close my eyes and i see her there, smiling at me.. i should find comfort in that.. but for some strange reason, i dont.. the pain is still there. i havent coped with it. i've oly jus pushed it aside. its mounting inside of me and im on the verge of blowing.. come on last paper... hurry hurry...

shit... i jus feel... empty. as usual.. running on empty has found new meaning yet again.. but pple that really keep me goin is the family.. thanks ohana..

jus wished we coulda spent that last moment all over again.. if oly i could touch your face one last time. if oly i could watch the sunrise wif u one last time. if oly we could take a walk in the beach in the dead of the night n stay out there with u resting on my chest waiting for the sun to rise.. if oly i had heard u laugh instead of cry.. if oly we could talk normally and not raise our voices to the high heavens... if oly u said 'i love u' instead of 'i hate you'... if oly i hadn made the mistakes i made..

i could continue n wish for more, wish that i could turn back time... but nothing i say or do, will make it happen... at least we spent that last moment, that i've touched your face, watched the sunrise, heard u laugh and heard u say the 3 magic words..

chessy wrote me an email.. a poem was it... thx chessy... love ya tons..

I know its seems you're all alone
No one to really care,
With such a heavy burden
That you alone must bear.
I may not know just what to say
Nor exactly what to do,
But you may be assured that
I'm praying just for you.
So even though it seems that many
Storm clouds fill your day,
I know the Lord has heard my prayer,
And help is on the way.

BOOYA!