20.9.05

airport yesterday... sent gerry off... ouch.. it hurt.. yeh.. hurt damn alot...

still rmb we was in the taxi... i sat wif dai jie.... n we said to each other.. dun pang seh me, i dun pang seh u.. we gotta be strong.. dai jie kept sayin she wont cry cos she's strong.. n that she has to be strong for everyone... we kept 'knucklin' and 'touch hearts' wit each other.. yeh..

sang coupla songs for gerry at the airport.. wu gui did a duet with me... she was cool stuff man.. damn proud of her... damn damn proud of her.. i never did manage to squeeze in the last song for gerry. the one i specially wrote for her... but its no matter... yeh.. we walked to the gates... it was horrible.. hugged gerry.. gave her the notebook and compiled cd...

she left.. got thru customs check pt.. waved a couple times.. never looked back.. she just wanted to get away... up to then, i was still pretty much ok... i was happy for her leavin.. i mean i still am.. but it was madness... i stared after her... until she walked past the escalator n i could see her no more.... and then it hit me.. the pain jus seared thru my heart.. jus literally.. i jus stood at my spot.. n stared.. n stared.. dun cry kid... dun cry.. ya gotta be strong... that was all i repeated to myself... had to stay strong.. for gerry... for xian.. for dai jie (she pang seh me)... for everybody.. they was all jus crackin arnd me... caught me composure back after awhile.. mates came up to me to check how i was doin.. they was pretty amazed i din shed a tear. eyes were like perfectly normal.. no hint of red.. alot of us hung round for quite a long time after.. gerry called xian while she was inside.. talked to her a fair bit... gerry hung up n gui was like uncontrollable man.. know what i mean by ya gotta be strong?

its not a thing of showin off a macho posturing... if u ask me... i woulda cried... but i jus had to keep a sane mind.. everybody left.. cept the U19s.. left wit them.. cos i was sendin gui back.. i let them walk ahead.. i was the oly one in the rear... then it hit me again.. worst this time... i was dying there.. i jus stood there for awhile tryin to breathe.. shit difficult.. called my mom up.. told her bout stuff then it was ok.. so yeh.. sent gui back.. on the train back, gui asked me how i was feeling.. n how i could remain so strong.. how i could ever not shed a tear.. when hello, my best fren is cockamamie leavin... left??!! really wondered to myself.. how the hell... did i do that.. told her that i had to stay strong for everybody.. specially for gui... i dun have to break down then.. i could break down another hr l8r... i really wouldn noe.. pple asked me if i was gonna cry... they ask it as tho i do have a control of whether i cry or not... the oly control i have over... is how strong i can remain... psychotic... it hurts... not knowin she's there.. in the same place...

dudete... gerrychoibs... good god... its jus been a day.. i missed my gf like crap too.. 4 plus yrs.. more actually.. n it gets to this state.. we jus keep growin tgth baby... stay strong with me alrite? read my song carefully.. specially the chorus.. i mean every word i say.. i'll always be here for u.. no matter where or when.. all u have to do.. is just turn arnd.. i'll be there. fall, and i'll pick u up. dudete.. in any case wen things jus dun go ur way, dun worry.. push on.. u noe i'll always be here supportin u every step u take.. n yeh, if u do walk astray, i'll do my best to pull u back in. dudete.. hope u've read the front of the notebook... anything happens, jus remember my promise... cross my heart n swear to die.. i love u baby.... so so so so so so much..

BOOYA!