9.8.05

why does god test me so much? why does god send disappointment n upsets time after time in a whole string? there's so many more 'whys' n it could go on forever. i havent slept properly... like real proper since mid july, i jus realized. its psychotic. im tired. i wanna slp.. but i cant. im worried bout jo.. each time i close my eyes i see jo. n if i slp, i always have a recurrin nightmare, that i see jo n we talk, den we argue, n she cries.. do u noe how much it hurts? its like some kinda invisible weight on ur chest. u cant breathe n u really feel like puking.

im really breaking down. im really exhausted. i jus realized how much i affect pple wen im down n all.. so i act all smiles n as normal as i can get. but its eating me away. i cant stand the sight of pple bein sad cos of me. i dun like draggin pple down wif me. all these trials dat stand in my way are really killing me.. im really confused. the oly thing thats ALMOST keeping me tgth is that it is written that god does not test u more than u are capable of handling.. but that is breaking away as well. god told me that he wants me to be a strong person for others n i can comfort them n care for them. but he taketh things that mean alot to me. dun expect me to be all smiles abt it rite? i dun understand it.. yes, god giveth n he taketh away... he gave me a new great fren to replace mom.. he has given me alot. i am thankful for it.. but take everything all at one shot? one after another? its killing me... n gerry n xians have been here for me ever since but im still draggin them in. they're sad wen i look this way n they cant take it too. u think i feel better bout it? i jus wished nobody was dragged into this wif me....

jo's in a bad shape in teh hospital.. she's got 3 stomach ulcers.... she jus went in for a test on her liver.. she's in alot of pain. 70-80% of pple havin probs wif their livers die from it... i'd noe that cos i was almost one of them..things are turning out for the worst.. n i still cant do anything bout it.. is jo headin heavenwards?? i really dunno.. i cant think of this sorta things now... why'd god let me live, oly to let me see all these happen b4 my eyes? why??

u noe what?? i miss me.. i miss the old me. i miss the lame me. but i'll oly be me again oly when jo's alrite n everything's settled... i jus want her to be alrite.. i want us to be alrite. i want everything to be alrite...

can you take it all away, can you take it all away, well ya shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me.........

BOOYA!