23.8.05

alot of ups and downs.. everything's a whole rollercoaster ride.. its sickening to the stomach. i jus feel so queasy rite now..

yesterday, uncle james found a letter in jo's hospital room in a drawer.. it's those kinda "read if sumth wrong happens" kinda letter.. he called me yest n read the letter out to me.. it was written to me n uncle james.. she apologized to me.. n to uncle james.. for doin the shit she did n dat she din noe that it would amount to sumth so serious that her life's hanging on the line.. she apologized to me for makin me so depressed and all cos of the gettin back tgth thing.. yeh. n she also said that she wont give up cos me n uncle james aren't givin up on her.. n she said that she'll fight to her last breath cos she wants to hear me sing the song i wrote for her.......

after uncle james read that, he decided to give the go ahead for the 2nd liver transplant.. the doctors were considerin 2 options.. that.. or lettin her go.. cos she's so weak n all. i was kinda strengthened by what jo wrote to us.. i was really on the verge on crackin n breakin down cos of everything that was happenin.. so what she wrote was really comfortin.. if jo aint givin up.. then hell i shouldn give up too.

jo went in for the op at bout 11pm s'pore time?? but halfway, at 2am plus, i got a msg from uncle james sayin that a blood vessel was damaged n dere was alot of bleeding n massive blood depressurement.. when i got that i jus wanted to cry. they aborted the transplant n repaired the vessel or sumth.. jus to get the pressure up again. they're rescheduling it to when conditions are safer to.

jus now today, durin GP period, a msg came in from uncle james sayin that jo stopped breathing for 3 mins.. and then a min l8r, another came in sayin that they've resuscitated her but she mite be brain dead.. wen i saw that, i really wanted to break down in class.. but i rushed to the toilet to calm myself down.. oly halfway thru sch, another msg came in sayin that jo's CAT scan(?) results are in n that there's brain activity.. so she's not brain dead... i was really really really really relieved but god.. its jus so scary.. its jus so freakin scary..

i cant crack.. i need to be strong. i dun have room to break anymore. i cant do anythin that would undermine my inner strength anymore. what i really wanna do is to go over to the US right now and jus hold her tight and tell her how brave n strong she is. i jus miss her... so much..

BOOYA!