14.7.05

had discus on tues.. shot on wed... disappointment 2 days consecutive. wow. yep. whoopdeedoodledoo. got 4th placin for discus.. yeh.. i noe i really shouldn be complainin.. after all. i have a placing rite??? but pple jus dun get it.. who cares abt position?? winning isn everything u noe... n seriously. the biggest opponent u have isnt other pple but urself. i could be first for all i care but if my distances n techniques are all crapped up, i'd still be upset n disappointed... i threw 26.90m... my average is bout 28-29m.. my pb is 31.42m. nobody drops her throws below her average by 2m.. i really feel like shit. and its like yeh, knowing that i coulda been first is kinda painful as well. priscilla threw a 30.70m.. n like jus b4 the comp, the last trng, i did 30m consec a few times.. wah.. disappointed. wads worse is that i wanted to jilt her abit.. like let her now that im catchin up wif her.. i was nowhere near bein a threat to her man.. sigh. its not that i dun like her... she's really a nice person. its jus that at the field, we're competitors after all. off field, we're really cool pals.

ok... shot put's worse... i din even get into the top 8. its madness... i din even reach a throw that was 8m. it was all 7m plus. sucked man. my last throw was the worst. its like i knew that i wouldn make it already. so by the time i walked out of the pit, i found myself almost tearing.. i jus sat at one side, far away from the crowd.. i din even bother to listen if my name was read out for the top 8. i jus instantaneously removed my tags n got ready to leave.. there was quite awhile b4 i could leave.. n i really felt like crying out loud but i couldn. so wen we were allowed to leave, i jus grabbed my stuff n xiufen walked me back to the ac side.. i jus couldn take it. i really tried not to cry but i couldn take it. it was really painful. i took the same trip back the same way just exactly last yr. a whole big sense of deja vu came flooding back in2 me. but i figure this yr is really more disappointing than last yr. cos last yr, i was injured. but this yr, there's almost no excuse.

i walked back to the ac side by the back.. but i couldn take it.. so i jus dropped everything at the stands n got to the back staircase sat outside thinking.. my mind was jus racing. i din noe wad to do.. so i called xians.. but halfway, i jus started crying.. i couldn take it anymore.i tried to stop but i couldn. i felt really bad cos i musta been sobbin away at her, made her feel awful. i couldn say anything, i couldn stop crying.. told her id call her back l8r den gerry called me.. xians musta told her..DUH.. gerry den rushed down ta cck stadium to meet me. in the meantime, the team was tellin me to cheer up n try again next yr.. den eddie came 2 talk to me. i got quite alot off my chest... yeh. by the time gerry came, i was abit more subdued.. but then they announced the top 8 for shot put ova the system n i started crying again.. jus knowing u coulda been in the top 8.. sigh.

its really disappointing.. 2 consec days of disappointment. 2 consec yrs of disappointment.. i cried on both days. i jus couldn take it. i was really breaking down. its takes alot for me to cry so wen i do cry its really a big relief. yeh. im still feelin the repercussions of tues n wed. im still shaken over it.. "i could've's" are like always appearin in my mind.. i could've, i could've i could've.. but i didnt! so what can i say?! i think i jus need time.. alot of time to jus accept n live wif it. nothin i can do will ever change my results. i've accepted it. i jus need to live wif it.. its really diff for me to swallow n like the disappointment is really jus overwhelming. its like track is such a one shot off thing.. u train the whole yr jus for one day of competitions.. where if u get it, u get it.. its not like basketball or netball like if u lose a match, u can still bounce back in the running..

i was oso hoping for like sumth gd to happen in the 2 days... i held like 2 diff views.. like best case scenario where i get gd results for both.. but i was willing to settle for a neutral scenario where i come up tops in one n slack in the other.. but i wasn prepared to receive a worst case scenario.. well at least one gd thing that came out is that gerry n kah yee n xians got into asean squad. happy for them. tho i feel abit jealous?? haha. yeh. its like cmon man god.. lemme be happy too leh?? haha. help me throw further that kinda thing lah.. haha! i think that's hilarious. but at the end of the day, im still happy 4 them lah. im almost numb to my results but it still hurts.. alot. yeh. everybody says hey, chins up.. u still have next yr.. but its like everybody keeps sayin next yr next yr.. when will it ever stop?? ok fine. i sitll have next yr.. but what happens if i dun get the results again??? what will dey say then? hell.. i'll keep trng.. i wont stop. jus keep goin.

dejected but not rejected.... oppressed but not suppressed...

BOOYA!