6.4.05

talked to loo ming yaw.. me n chen yan... said no... appeal rejected... if he accepts, he's gotta allow others as well... pops was wif me..... ky was wif me.... couldn take it.... teared.... felt horrible... felt miserable... felt down n out... said i had to get my ass to trng... cant take it anymore.. asked pops n ky to walk me to the complex... walked out to teh foyer... saw many pple... silas came round.. asked wad happend... i looked away.. dun wanan cry... mom was there.. so was debs.. walked towards oldham wing via bleachers... saw teh netballers... was in a sorry state.... kah yee, gaby, sandy n xian wei... dey said dun look so down, cheer up, u ok? couldn answer dem... walked down steps in a hurry... walked towards complex.. one of the longest distance dat i've ever walked.. wanted to cry.. couldn cry.. wanted to scream.. couldn scream... it jus welled up in dere... it was choking.. it was suffocating me.. nobody said anything.. nobody knew what to say... dere was nothing to say really...

walked into the sports complex... saw peiyi at the corner of my eye... walked faster... put my bag down.. shit.. alot of trackers n fielders are there.. jie yun asks wads wrong.. i dun answer.. shake my head.. grab my shirt n shoes.. n walk towards the toilet.. peiyi catches up.. n offers a hug.. i start to cry.. but i stop.. i jus tear myself away... hurry to the toilet... keep my head down... walk all the way to the last side bench... my fave seat... collapse in there... i really start to cry into my shirt... it hurt so much that i let go... i jus cry... out loud.. n i cry n cry.. i pray for strength.. and i cry.. my most vulnerable state... i let go.. pple sit arnd.. dey keep quiet.. dey cant say anything... dey jus let me have a gd cry.. a wad of tissues appear b4 my eyes under my shirt.. i use it... its tons wet.. i try my best to cool down.. calm down... strength god... strength.. i look up.. pops.. ky.. mom.. debs.. hua.. i feel better.. mom gets me a coke.. dey make me laugh.. i feel jus abit better.. go change.. trng time... dey left.. i warmed up..

took the discus out.. event this sunday.. skies are overcast... threw for 15 mins... it rained... heavily.. today the heavens cried with me.. the way i cried in the toilet.. was disappointed.. din scream enuf yet while throwing... hoping to do gym.. instead.. we did some light stuff.. anger and disappointment wasn well dissipated... it was horrible.. power failed twice.. it was bad... rain was so bad... netballers din have trng.. the heavens really cried with me.. couldn 'injure' myself enuf to be satisfied... bah.. letdown..

finished trng super early... went cafe wif gerry... jus sat dere.. i din say much to her... jason, li, gareth, arvin was next table... acted as if nothing happend.... wif gerry.. different thing.. jason told me to smile like a sunshine... jus stared at him... took bus wif gerry to clementi int... said almost nothing to her... dere was nothing to say... din noe wad to say.. din feel like talking.. the weather was cold... dreary... i was numb.. physically... emotionally..

things always feels better... after a nice good cry... as much as u try to hide a long n blank face.... it always shows.... that's what i learnt... strength god... all i need... is strength... i dun wanna cry.. i dun like to cry... i'd much prefer to smile... but... i really feel like crying... strength... faith.. its gonna be alrite..

BOOYA!